My diary
by Sam2012Nicholls
Summary: A story about the up's and down's in my life.
1. Introduction

**Introduction**

OK, so this story will be like my own personal diary, instead of me writing Casualty fanfics. In this story you'll find out loads more about me as I will be updating weekly as often as possible (this will be Friday, Saturday or Sunday).

This story will tell you more about my life, my depression, self-harm and my inner most thoughts and feelings. Everything I write in this story will be true, however my name will not be included because I know people on this site and I'd like to remain anonymous. I will try to answer all questions asked, either by replying to a PM/comment on the story or in one of my chapters.

First of all, I'm a 13 year old girl from Leeds, England. I live with my mum, my little sister and our pet hamster. I have lived in Leeds all my life, however my mum was born in Ethiopia in Africa, then moved to Liverpool in England before moving to Leeds. My mum and dad never married, and split up about 7/8 years ago, I see my dad every week when I go to his house on Friday nights; he lives with his fiancé, 2 dogs and a cat.

I have a boyfriend, and not many other friends, however I do hang with his friends most breaks, but I also like been alone. I go to my local school, only 10 minutes' walk from my house, I am currently in year 9, and my boyfriend is in year 10. My boyfriend turned 14 in July, and I will be 14 in January, we have been together for about 7 months (I think :/) and even though we are both young, we really love each other. Both my parents like my boyfriend, and his mum and grandma seem to like me too.

I like watching movies, but not often, my favourite is now you see me, I went to see it with my Boyfriend just before the summer holidays. I like watching TV, but prefer been on my laptop. I go on my laptop every day, as much as possible usually until late at night (between 10pm and 1am when I finally decide to go to sleep). My favourite music is Mayday Parade, Sleeping with Sirens and lots more, my current favourite song is If I'm James Dean, then I'm Audrey Hepburn, by Sleeping with sirens.

I don't like the cold or the rain, and I think my little sister is annoying (she's almost 11), and I hate school but have 100% attendance anyway.

Every week I buy the What's on TV guide from a local shop, I read about Holby City, Casualty and Waterloo road, I now have over 20 issues as I never throw them away (IDK why?) I am on twitter, the username is on my profile, and I am on Tumblr with the same name.

I have been self-harming for 5 months now, but most of my scars have faded. I have never cut deep enough to end up in hospital but usually wear long-sleeves and trousers. I cut my wrists and my thighs with a pencil sharpener blade. I have nearly 20 blades. I cut because I have been bullied as far back as I remember, and it still goes on now but I'm too afraid to say, and no-one at home listens to me. I feel like everyone hates me and I'm suicidal. I have never attempted suicide before, but I have considered it quite a lot. It's scary to think that I'm ready to die at such a young age.

I will update tonight on how my week has been, highlights, god points, bad points and other things. If there is anything you'd like to know, please just ask and I will answer as best as I can. Thanks for reading the introduction.


	2. Week 1

**Chapter 1**

Sorry I didn't update last night like I said, I felt sick and I had a comment which put me down. Thanks to a comment from a guest who I would love to get in touch with whenever they like, who responded to the comment I received yesterday, saying that I'm brave to write this story. Thank you very much and please PM me as soon as you like. I have reported the negative comment.

Also thanks to all other comments that have been positive so far.

This week I found out that we are getting central heating fitted, our boiler broke and it's really old and can't be replaced so we will soon have a radiator in every room, rather than just an electric heater.

My boyfriend had a bad week, he wanted to run away from home on Friday, which killed something inside me for 2 main reasons. 1) I love him, he's the only person I think really loves me and he understands me and is very important. I don't want him to be in any danger, or get hurt. 2) When I was 12, about a month after, I ran away from home, thinking it was a good idea, now knowing it wasn't. I went to a care home, who phoned my mum and she came for me. She told me she'd called the police, and I remember almost 2 years ago like it was just yesterday, it was the worst night of my life and I attracted so much attention. I did it because I was been bulled at school, which has been happening as far back as I can remember.

My week was a little better, I found a pencil sharpener on the floor in English class on Thursday, and for the first time since I started cutting, I used a pencil sharpener for an actual pencil – that sounds really stupid, but it's an achievement for me, the pencil sharpener is still in one piece! :-)

I wore my poppy for Remembrance Day to school this week, after painting it with nail varnish, I will try to make my icon the photo of the poppy, but my phone is not connecting to my laptop anymore, so anyway. I left my phone at my dad's and won't get it back until Tuesday, which is when the central heating system should be fitted.

For those of you who know what reborn dolls are (life-like dolls) I found out my dolls names today. My little boy is called Jonas, and my little girl is called Kailey (not British dolls) I know it's weird collecting dolls, but it makes me feel better, especially on really shit days.

This week was really boring, nothing much to report, I haven't cut in 16 days (As of Sunday 10th November) depend on when you read this, I will update my twitter name to 16 days clean, when I get the chance. The urges to cut this week, after been picked on in PE class were so bad, but I resisted them. Like I said, this diary is all truth, and I will tell you if/when I cut.

I felt sick yesterday, and seem to be losing my appetite recently, I had a bit of pizza last night for dinner, and for lunch today I had half a jam sandwich. I don't even use my dinner money for school on dinner any more. I just buy whatever I want with it (£10 a week) but no-one knows yet, a member of staff at school saw I wasn't eating so I said I buy something after school. He scared me, so I try to avoid him at all costs.

We are also having a massive clear out/rearrangement in our house in the next couple of weeks, stuff needs to be moved for the radiators to be fitted, we are getting my grandma's old sofas, a 2-seater and a 3-seater, we only currently have a 2-seater so the living room needs rearranging to fit the new sofa's in. We need to clear out old toys, my bedroom is getting cleared out as well, probably tomorrow.

I think that is all I have to report this week, thanks for reading and I know I can't stop negative comments coming in, and have only had one so far, but every negative comment I receive (either verbally, written or otherwise) by anyone is very hurtful, and makes me want to cut even more every time. If negative comments are written on this story, I will report them to the site.

Thanks again.


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